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samanthavg

I am my own worst enemy

I’m sure i’m not the only one who can relate to the title on my blog today, but has anyone ever wondered  why we’re like that?

Why do we always bring ourselves down in the most harsh ways possible?

Why do we think we’re not good enough to deserve better?

It could be that we feel that we don’t deserve more than what we already have due to the fact that no one likes it when people think they’re better than everyone else. In my own opinion i hate to wonder of what others might think of how i am as a person. Am i mean? Do i seem like a selfish person? Have i ever inspired others to want to be a better person? or to motivate them to better their own life?

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Call me crazy 

Call me crazy if you want, even dumb and delusional for still getting butterflies in my stomach when I think of you. We may just be nothing more than friends for right now.. But I guess still being able to get a few good morning texts from you every now again gives me a little bit of hope to us still possibly having a future together. 

I love you yesterday, I love you today, and I’ll still love you tomorrow as much as I will 10 years down the road.. I just hope that it’s you besides me through all of that time. 

Barely there

It’s only Monday afternoon and yet  i already find myself wanting to stay hidden under my bedroom covers.  Just the thinking about what workouts ill be doing tonight makes me want to hide in my closet and to somehow find a magical door that takes me into a whole new dimension.  I feel like my mind is batelling a million deamons all at once, my soul feels heave and gray.

I find myself looking into the bathroom mirror and practicing how to smile enought to avoid being asked if im ok? Hmm that seems to be the million dollar question of the day, are you ok samantha? or are you just putting a mask on once again because you find yourself in a gray mood.  I want to be happy i really do, but just the thought of being happy for even one second makes me feel sick and discusted.

I hate you.. I love you..

I hate how even after months i still find myself loving every memory of you that crosses my mind. I wish my heart could just hear your name and continue to beat, i wish i could pretend that i no longer love you like i did not too long ago. Although part of my mind find itself dealing with a conflict as to if being friends with you is even a good idea, my heart keeps hoping that maybe one day things between us could get fixed.  Maybe its just this dumb silly idea that wont escape my mind from time to time, but i can’t be the one one who’s ever wondered who i’m meant to be with in the future.  As much as i wish i could say that you’re nothing more than just another guy with whom i share most of my heart warming memories with.. i would be lying to myself beyond believe.

I still think about you at nights, i still wonder if i ever cross your mind from time to time.. hoping that one day i can see your name across my phone again.. maybe by then you’re name will no longer hurt to hear, maybe then my hear will be healed.

I hate you… but i still love you Mr. Lane

Is this even worth it?

Have you ever reached a moment in life where you start to question every little aspect of your life? That point where you begging to wonder if certain choices have been worth it.

Lately I’ve come across people from the past who have given me the most ego boosting words of encouragement, yet it makes me feel a little empty on the inside of my soul. Their words began to make me wonder if i was doing these changes for all the right reasons, or if i was just doing them to gain the acceptance of society

In the last five months i know I’ve hit rock bottom in many ways, I’ve hated my body for the changes it did in the last year, i hated my myself for not being the same girl i was a two years ago. Then it hit me, life isn’t about dwelling over the part, it’s not about sitting on the floor feeling sorry for myself just because the numbers on the scale fluctuate like the numbers in the stock market.

Deciding that it was time to get off the pity wagon two months ago was the best choice i could have made since the new year started, I’ve fallen in love with my body, with my mind, and soul. Finally regaining my self confidence, falling in love with that sore feeling that you get after a hard workout. I know that this journey will be long, it will be filled with nights or mental debates about why i shouldn’t quit yet sticking to it will help me reach all my goals one step at a time

A New Type of Relationship

I feel like now a day relationships are nothing but games.

It always starts off the same. Late night talks, and texts, endless amount of dates together. And then finally making it “Official”

But lets take a moment to think about that word “Official” what makes something official? Is it when both families know it has a title to it now? Or when its been posted on Facebook? When they add each other into their bios on Instagram? or because you can finally post a billion pictures together for the whole world to know?

It’s sad to say that we’ve become a generation that cares more about how many likes our pictures together can get.  Or how many people can comment “#Relationship Goals”

A Fresh Start

After all the things that have happened these few months, I’m just glad that things are starting to finally get better.

Tyler passed his pipe fitting exam, which means his career can finally start.

Maybe things between us can start to get better, we can finally start to fix all the issues that we’ve been hiding under the rug.

Would you have a right?

Would you have a right to judge someones actions now, when in the past your actions were the same or even worse?

If you love someone and they hurt you while things weren’t made clear yet would you have a right to hold it against them?

If you love that individual can you forgive them and move on? could you actually try to forget that it happened.

As humans we tend to focus a lot on the errors of others, but turn the other way when it comes to mistakes that we’ve done in the past.

 

Fresh start

I’m sure we’ve all eventually been there, you know that moment in life in wich you seem to be pushed into new things in life.

No matter how much control we try to have over how things play out we will never have that full control.

I wish Icould say i didn’t see this coming sooner or later, just wishing things would have been laid out for me differently.

At times i look out the window while i’m driving arpund with my boyfriend and i can’t help but wonder how long will my happiness last, how long before something starts to slip put or place. But it’s a big relieve to see who has your back when things seem to go south.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability but with the temptaion he will also provide the way of escape that you may be able to endure it.

No matter what ball life can throw at you, just remember its all happening for a reason.

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