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A Final Goodbye

Saying goodbye to the things we don’t want to let go off in life can be one of the hardest choices we have to make, but sometimes holding on to those things or those people can be more hurful than they can be loving.

I loved the time we had together and ill forever cherish the memories that we had the opportunity to create with one another, but moving on is the best thing for us to do.  I wish you nothing but the best in life and i hope that you can find someone to love you more than i was able to give you.

 

August

Anyone who has ever wanted to loose weight, or just feel better about themselves knows that we all hit bumbs down the road in where we find slim to none motivation or there seems to be no time available to hit the gym.

Although i keep reminding myself that im still young, I also try to remember that if I start healthy habits now its easier to keep going down the road. Those small changes that we give a bigger focus to when we’re younger have a greater pay out in the long run of the years.

Being a 22 year old in todays society, theres a lot of pressure to be “Fit” or to be close enough to fit the definitoin of what people think is attractive, and sadly no one will avtually fit those definitions without loosing sight of who they were before they listened to the opinions of others.  As much as im trying not to loose sight of why i started this fitness journey, i do find it hard to make myself wake up in the mornings, or drink water rather than drinks with sugar in it. Its so easy to forget that we cannot expect to loose the weight in one day when it certainly didn’t take us a day to gain them either.

Do not loose Hope, Do not hate yourself because you ate that cookie or because ypu skipped a workout, but DO remind yourself that you started this for yourself and not for society or this world

I am my own worst thoughts

My own thoughts about why things between us can’t be fixed keep me up at night, I find myself looking at my phone every few seconds hoping that maybe you’ll stop playing this game and choose to be with me once again.

We made this deal to just be friends, but can someone actually stay just friends with someone they once loved and still love? some day will I be able to look at you and not want to kiss you or look at you like some love strucked teen?

How I wish i could just rip you out of my heart and out of my thoughts.

I am my own worst enemy

I’m sure i’m not the only one who can relate to the title on my blog today, but has anyone ever wondered  why we’re like that?

Why do we always bring ourselves down in the most harsh ways possible?

Why do we think we’re not good enough to deserve better?

It could be that we feel that we don’t deserve more than what we already have due to the fact that no one likes it when people think they’re better than everyone else. In my own opinion i hate to wonder of what others might think of how i am as a person. Am i mean? Do i seem like a selfish person? Have i ever inspired others to want to be a better person? or to motivate them to better their own life?

Call me crazy 

Call me crazy if you want, even dumb and delusional for still getting butterflies in my stomach when I think of you. We may just be nothing more than friends for right now.. But I guess still being able to get a few good morning texts from you every now again gives me a little bit of hope to us still possibly having a future together. 

I love you yesterday, I love you today, and I’ll still love you tomorrow as much as I will 10 years down the road.. I just hope that it’s you besides me through all of that time. 

Barely there

It’s only Monday afternoon and yet  i already find myself wanting to stay hidden under my bedroom covers.  Just the thinking about what workouts ill be doing tonight makes me want to hide in my closet and to somehow find a magical door that takes me into a whole new dimension.  I feel like my mind is batelling a million deamons all at once, my soul feels heave and gray.

I find myself looking into the bathroom mirror and practicing how to smile enought to avoid being asked if im ok? Hmm that seems to be the million dollar question of the day, are you ok samantha? or are you just putting a mask on once again because you find yourself in a gray mood.  I want to be happy i really do, but just the thought of being happy for even one second makes me feel sick and discusted.

I hate you.. I love you..

I hate how even after months i still find myself loving every memory of you that crosses my mind. I wish my heart could just hear your name and continue to beat, i wish i could pretend that i no longer love you like i did not too long ago. Although part of my mind find itself dealing with a conflict as to if being friends with you is even a good idea, my heart keeps hoping that maybe one day things between us could get fixed.  Maybe its just this dumb silly idea that wont escape my mind from time to time, but i can’t be the one one who’s ever wondered who i’m meant to be with in the future.  As much as i wish i could say that you’re nothing more than just another guy with whom i share most of my heart warming memories with.. i would be lying to myself beyond believe.

I still think about you at nights, i still wonder if i ever cross your mind from time to time.. hoping that one day i can see your name across my phone again.. maybe by then you’re name will no longer hurt to hear, maybe then my hear will be healed.

I hate you… but i still love you Mr. Lane

Is this even worth it?

Have you ever reached a moment in life where you start to question every little aspect of your life? That point where you begging to wonder if certain choices have been worth it.

Lately I’ve come across people from the past who have given me the most ego boosting words of encouragement, yet it makes me feel a little empty on the inside of my soul. Their words began to make me wonder if i was doing these changes for all the right reasons, or if i was just doing them to gain the acceptance of society

In the last five months i know I’ve hit rock bottom in many ways, I’ve hated my body for the changes it did in the last year, i hated my myself for not being the same girl i was a two years ago. Then it hit me, life isn’t about dwelling over the part, it’s not about sitting on the floor feeling sorry for myself just because the numbers on the scale fluctuate like the numbers in the stock market.

Deciding that it was time to get off the pity wagon two months ago was the best choice i could have made since the new year started, I’ve fallen in love with my body, with my mind, and soul. Finally regaining my self confidence, falling in love with that sore feeling that you get after a hard workout. I know that this journey will be long, it will be filled with nights or mental debates about why i shouldn’t quit yet sticking to it will help me reach all my goals one step at a time

A New Type of Relationship

I feel like now a day relationships are nothing but games.

It always starts off the same. Late night talks, and texts, endless amount of dates together. And then finally making it “Official”

But lets take a moment to think about that word “Official” what makes something official? Is it when both families know it has a title to it now? Or when its been posted on Facebook? When they add each other into their bios on Instagram? or because you can finally post a billion pictures together for the whole world to know?

It’s sad to say that we’ve become a generation that cares more about how many likes our pictures together can get.  Or how many people can comment “#Relationship Goals”

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