set yourself free

A little foolish

Maybe I’m foolish for still feeling my heart sink a little when I see old pictures of us. I know it’s been months and I’ve finally moved on and let go of our failed fairytale, but I still find it hard to go and delete all those pictures off my social media.

This new guy is amazing and I know even you’d think he’s a great guy, but in certain aspects he will never be you, he will never know what it’s like to hold me while telling me his body is slowly shutting down. He will never push me away because his past will never disappear.

You were wonderful and I’ll always have a small place for you in my heart, but I cannot have you in my future.

So yes maybe I am foolish for feeling sad over pictures, but my heart is finally mended and able to love again.


A silent suffering

Here’s a thing that people who don’t suffer from anxiety don’t understand, no matter how hard we try we can’t always help it.

We didn’t ask to have triggers that go off at any given moment.

Although I’ve been good with controlling my triggers, my fear of thunderstorms will never be easy, and being in a city that’s being destroyed by a hurricane is an absolute nightmare.

yet this guy has managed to help me stay calm. To check up on me every few hours. To set an alarm every hour every time I take a nap to make sure my anxiety stays low.

Thank you for being such a wonderful boyfriend! You mean the most to me ❤️

A Final Goodbye

Saying goodbye to the things we don’t want to let go off in life can be one of the hardest choices we have to make, but sometimes holding on to those things or those people can be more hurful than they can be loving.

I loved the time we had together and ill forever cherish the memories that we had the opportunity to create with one another, but moving on is the best thing for us to do.  I wish you nothing but the best in life and i hope that you can find someone to love you more than i was able to give you.


I am my own worst enemy

I’m sure i’m not the only one who can relate to the title on my blog today, but has anyone ever wondered  why we’re like that?

Why do we always bring ourselves down in the most harsh ways possible?

Why do we think we’re not good enough to deserve better?

It could be that we feel that we don’t deserve more than what we already have due to the fact that no one likes it when people think they’re better than everyone else. In my own opinion i hate to wonder of what others might think of how i am as a person. Am i mean? Do i seem like a selfish person? Have i ever inspired others to want to be a better person? or to motivate them to better their own life?

Barely there

It’s only Monday afternoon and yet  i already find myself wanting to stay hidden under my bedroom covers.  Just the thinking about what workouts ill be doing tonight makes me want to hide in my closet and to somehow find a magical door that takes me into a whole new dimension.  I feel like my mind is batelling a million deamons all at once, my soul feels heave and gray.

I find myself looking into the bathroom mirror and practicing how to smile enought to avoid being asked if im ok? Hmm that seems to be the million dollar question of the day, are you ok samantha? or are you just putting a mask on once again because you find yourself in a gray mood.  I want to be happy i really do, but just the thought of being happy for even one second makes me feel sick and discusted.

I hate you.. I love you..

I hate how even after months i still find myself loving every memory of you that crosses my mind. I wish my heart could just hear your name and continue to beat, i wish i could pretend that i no longer love you like i did not too long ago. Although part of my mind find itself dealing with a conflict as to if being friends with you is even a good idea, my heart keeps hoping that maybe one day things between us could get fixed.  Maybe its just this dumb silly idea that wont escape my mind from time to time, but i can’t be the one one who’s ever wondered who i’m meant to be with in the future.  As much as i wish i could say that you’re nothing more than just another guy with whom i share most of my heart warming memories with.. i would be lying to myself beyond believe.

I still think about you at nights, i still wonder if i ever cross your mind from time to time.. hoping that one day i can see your name across my phone again.. maybe by then you’re name will no longer hurt to hear, maybe then my hear will be healed.

I hate you… but i still love you Mr. Lane

Is this even worth it?

Have you ever reached a moment in life where you start to question every little aspect of your life? That point where you begging to wonder if certain choices have been worth it.

Lately I’ve come across people from the past who have given me the most ego boosting words of encouragement, yet it makes me feel a little empty on the inside of my soul. Their words began to make me wonder if i was doing these changes for all the right reasons, or if i was just doing them to gain the acceptance of society

In the last five months i know I’ve hit rock bottom in many ways, I’ve hated my body for the changes it did in the last year, i hated my myself for not being the same girl i was a two years ago. Then it hit me, life isn’t about dwelling over the part, it’s not about sitting on the floor feeling sorry for myself just because the numbers on the scale fluctuate like the numbers in the stock market.

Deciding that it was time to get off the pity wagon two months ago was the best choice i could have made since the new year started, I’ve fallen in love with my body, with my mind, and soul. Finally regaining my self confidence, falling in love with that sore feeling that you get after a hard workout. I know that this journey will be long, it will be filled with nights or mental debates about why i shouldn’t quit yet sticking to it will help me reach all my goals one step at a time

Who am i? and why am i here?

The Million dollar question we all ask ourselves at least once a day in my case. Who am i? why and i here? what’s my purpose in life? but more importantly why am i the way that i am?

I’m sure as we get older we beging to questions out excistance more and more as well as why we have the life we do. Some people are blesed with having a good family, maybe a super caring partner, or what ever the case maybe. Those people who refer to as “Blessed” don’t go around telling others “Look im so lucky to have this!” or some snobby remark like we feel that they say or do, They are blessed in their own way because maybe no matter what their situtation may be, they never stop thanking God for another day of life and for the things and people that they may have in their life.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the holly spirit. 

Who am i? Hmm well i could either define myself based on the good things i see in my character or i could tell you who i am based on the definition of others about me. Sadly we live in a society where we belive who we are comes from the definitions of others adn what they may or may not see in us. Or we could easily say well if they see it, it must be true. Well its not. I am who i choose to be, not who others tell me to be, i will no longer do what i do to please others , why? because you can never please the whole world and not let someone down eventually.

Now this leaves us with the last question. Why am i here? I’m here to live my life in the way that i was intended to, to blease God not someone who is a sins just as much as i do. I am here to live a life filled with loving memories and to show others the same feelings.

Letting go

Letting go of all the anger i have towards you is the only thing on my mind every day.

I wish i could have never met you, never said i love you daddy

i was fine without you, it was just me and my mom against the world like it had been since i was three, but then you decided you wanted to be a dad.. I mean if you can even consider been told that’s what you are? What is a dad? What’s a father? What’s a sperms donor? Anyone can say “Im a dad!” A sper donor can be any guy you just used to be able to have a baby correct? So then a father is someone who steps up to the plate and never wants to strike out in his childs life i suppose. You’ve never been my father or dad, you’ve just been a man my mother picked to form a family with, a family that sadly you destroyed with your many late nights out drinking and constant cheating.

I hope your new family makes you happy, i hope your new daughter is loved, loved like the way i wanted to be loved by you many many years ago. I hope that one day not so soon. As you find yourself in your death bed, you look back and regreat all the pain  you caused to your oldest kids. I hope my Brother and Sister can be better parents to their kids than you were to them. I hope that the day you begg me for forgiveness you take my no and walk away.

As sad and heart breaking that it is for a child to say. I honestly rather live the rest of my life away from you, away from the constant heart pain of thinking i was never good enough to be loved by you. But its ok, i never had it, ive never actually needed you. Letting go of my hate for you will set me free i know it

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