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samanthavg

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selfworth

Don’t hate yourself

Don't hate yourself because you don't find yourself beautiful.
Don't hate the image that you see in the mirror because there's no one out there like you.

For the longest time I hated being told I was too skinny, and later being told I was getting too fat.


Love your body, love your curves.
Who cares what people think because in the end they won't matter, they will be just a critic more.

I am my own worst enemy

I’m sure i’m not the only one who can relate to the title on my blog today, but has anyone ever wondered  why we’re like that?

Why do we always bring ourselves down in the most harsh ways possible?

Why do we think we’re not good enough to deserve better?

It could be that we feel that we don’t deserve more than what we already have due to the fact that no one likes it when people think they’re better than everyone else. In my own opinion i hate to wonder of what others might think of how i am as a person. Am i mean? Do i seem like a selfish person? Have i ever inspired others to want to be a better person? or to motivate them to better their own life?

Barely there

It’s only Monday afternoon and yet  i already find myself wanting to stay hidden under my bedroom covers.  Just the thinking about what workouts ill be doing tonight makes me want to hide in my closet and to somehow find a magical door that takes me into a whole new dimension.  I feel like my mind is batelling a million deamons all at once, my soul feels heave and gray.

I find myself looking into the bathroom mirror and practicing how to smile enought to avoid being asked if im ok? Hmm that seems to be the million dollar question of the day, are you ok samantha? or are you just putting a mask on once again because you find yourself in a gray mood.  I want to be happy i really do, but just the thought of being happy for even one second makes me feel sick and discusted.

Is this even worth it?

Have you ever reached a moment in life where you start to question every little aspect of your life? That point where you begging to wonder if certain choices have been worth it.

Lately I’ve come across people from the past who have given me the most ego boosting words of encouragement, yet it makes me feel a little empty on the inside of my soul. Their words began to make me wonder if i was doing these changes for all the right reasons, or if i was just doing them to gain the acceptance of society

In the last five months i know I’ve hit rock bottom in many ways, I’ve hated my body for the changes it did in the last year, i hated my myself for not being the same girl i was a two years ago. Then it hit me, life isn’t about dwelling over the part, it’s not about sitting on the floor feeling sorry for myself just because the numbers on the scale fluctuate like the numbers in the stock market.

Deciding that it was time to get off the pity wagon two months ago was the best choice i could have made since the new year started, I’ve fallen in love with my body, with my mind, and soul. Finally regaining my self confidence, falling in love with that sore feeling that you get after a hard workout. I know that this journey will be long, it will be filled with nights or mental debates about why i shouldn’t quit yet sticking to it will help me reach all my goals one step at a time

Who am i? and why am i here?

The Million dollar question we all ask ourselves at least once a day in my case. Who am i? why and i here? what’s my purpose in life? but more importantly why am i the way that i am?

I’m sure as we get older we beging to questions out excistance more and more as well as why we have the life we do. Some people are blesed with having a good family, maybe a super caring partner, or what ever the case maybe. Those people who refer to as “Blessed” don’t go around telling others “Look im so lucky to have this!” or some snobby remark like we feel that they say or do, They are blessed in their own way because maybe no matter what their situtation may be, they never stop thanking God for another day of life and for the things and people that they may have in their life.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the holly spirit. 

Who am i? Hmm well i could either define myself based on the good things i see in my character or i could tell you who i am based on the definition of others about me. Sadly we live in a society where we belive who we are comes from the definitions of others adn what they may or may not see in us. Or we could easily say well if they see it, it must be true. Well its not. I am who i choose to be, not who others tell me to be, i will no longer do what i do to please others , why? because you can never please the whole world and not let someone down eventually.

Now this leaves us with the last question. Why am i here? I’m here to live my life in the way that i was intended to, to blease God not someone who is a sins just as much as i do. I am here to live a life filled with loving memories and to show others the same feelings.

A tragic new world

We live in a new world where all we care about is on people’s appearance. 

We’ve become so shallow as humanbeings that all we care about is how “Hot” that person is. 

When did having abs, a nice firm ass, and a great pair of boobs becomes the new definition of beautiful? 
What if I feel beautiful when I have my hair up in a ponytail, no makeup, fresh out of the gym? 

Since when has society become the main judge of what makes someone beautiful? 

  
Since I graduated high school and broke up my 3 year long relationship I became horrified with what I saw in the mirror.. Why? Because I was raised on a culture where we talk about those who don’t fit our definition of pretty or beautiful, where my mom told me “I’ve never once been to a fifteen party for a fat girl” I felt nasty and gross about being me. For the next year I worked so hard to drop the extra weight I gained.  

 It’s been extremely hard and difficult to keep pushing. But I don’t push myself because I want some guy to tell me “wow you’re hot lets fuck”  doing it so that if a guy ever has the balls to tell me such thing I can politely tell him no. Why should I give you the time of the day now, when you never gave it to me.. We judge the cover without actually reading the book, and that’s something we all need to fix as the next generation grows more and more. 

Walk a mile in my shoes

As a girl being told ” It’s not you, its me” it seems normal right? Well being a girl with anxiety you question yourself even more. Did I do something? Was there something I could have done to make him feel better? Or could I have done something to help him out with whatever was going on in his life?

Last night we had a birthday dinner at our house for my aunts younger brother, everything was fine. Our friends came over and we had a fun night all together. While cooking the dinner with my aunt the famous ” Are you ok?” question was brought up yet once again. What do you define as being okay? Is being okay defined as not having an anxiety attack? or not crying for a few days? Maybe being able to breathe without gasping for air? What is being okay?

I wish that for once instead of being asked if im okay, someone would just run up to me give me a hug and tell me that its fine to break down and cry, that eventually all my wounds will heal. Or that one day I can actually smile and mean it, instead of feeling like im forced to smile to avoid being questioned over my mental state of mind.

Maybe not dating someone is for the better, maybe this is exactly what I needed to remember that I should be paying more attention to myself rather than someone else.

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