A little foolish

Maybe I’m foolish for still feeling my heart sink a little when I see old pictures of us. I know it’s been months and I’ve finally moved on and let go of our failed fairytale, but I still find it hard to go and delete all those pictures off my social media.

This new guy is amazing and I know even you’d think he’s a great guy, but in certain aspects he will never be you, he will never know what it’s like to hold me while telling me his body is slowly shutting down. He will never push me away because his past will never disappear.

You were wonderful and I’ll always have a small place for you in my heart, but I cannot have you in my future.

So yes maybe I am foolish for feeling sad over pictures, but my heart is finally mended and able to love again.


A silent suffering

Here’s a thing that people who don’t suffer from anxiety don’t understand, no matter how hard we try we can’t always help it.

We didn’t ask to have triggers that go off at any given moment.

Although I’ve been good with controlling my triggers, my fear of thunderstorms will never be easy, and being in a city that’s being destroyed by a hurricane is an absolute nightmare.

yet this guy has managed to help me stay calm. To check up on me every few hours. To set an alarm every hour every time I take a nap to make sure my anxiety stays low.

Thank you for being such a wonderful boyfriend! You mean the most to me ❤️

Is it wrong?

Does it make you a doubtful person to look back at your boyfriends message from before y’all started dating and see how he was with other girls?

I know it really shouldn’t matter, but as I sit here in bed wishing I hadn’t looked at his phone I can’t help but feel scared yet again.

I am my own worst thoughts

My own thoughts about why things between us can’t be fixed keep me up at night, I find myself looking at my phone every few seconds hoping that maybe you’ll stop playing this game and choose to be with me once again.

We made this deal to just be friends, but can someone actually stay just friends with someone they once loved and still love? some day will I be able to look at you and not want to kiss you or look at you like some love strucked teen?

How I wish i could just rip you out of my heart and out of my thoughts.

I hate you.. I love you..

I hate how even after months i still find myself loving every memory of you that crosses my mind. I wish my heart could just hear your name and continue to beat, i wish i could pretend that i no longer love you like i did not too long ago. Although part of my mind find itself dealing with a conflict as to if being friends with you is even a good idea, my heart keeps hoping that maybe one day things between us could get fixed.  Maybe its just this dumb silly idea that wont escape my mind from time to time, but i can’t be the one one who’s ever wondered who i’m meant to be with in the future.  As much as i wish i could say that you’re nothing more than just another guy with whom i share most of my heart warming memories with.. i would be lying to myself beyond believe.

I still think about you at nights, i still wonder if i ever cross your mind from time to time.. hoping that one day i can see your name across my phone again.. maybe by then you’re name will no longer hurt to hear, maybe then my hear will be healed.

I hate you… but i still love you Mr. Lane

A New Type of Relationship

I feel like now a day relationships are nothing but games.

It always starts off the same. Late night talks, and texts, endless amount of dates together. And then finally making it “Official”

But lets take a moment to think about that word “Official” what makes something official? Is it when both families know it has a title to it now? Or when its been posted on Facebook? When they add each other into their bios on Instagram? or because you can finally post a billion pictures together for the whole world to know?

It’s sad to say that we’ve become a generation that cares more about how many likes our pictures together can get.  Or how many people can comment “#Relationship Goals”

A Final Goodbye

Theres a million questions I had to ask you, yet I sit here in my couch knowing I no longer care for those answers.

Maybe once upon a time you were everything I ever wanted, maybe you were my dream come true. But now I’ve realized that stuff just doesn’t happen because you expect them to happen. You must pray about it with all your heart, you work towards those hopes, dreams, and goals but most importantly you have to commit to always fighting to have what you want.

I hope that one day when you finally realize you won’t find my eyes inside of hers that I didn’t lose you, you lost me with the actions that both of us made.

I wish nothing but the best for you, but today I say my final goodbye towards you. It’ll remain as an unspoken word between us, because it’s better this way. Know that I don’t hate you, but also realize that I no longer care for you like I once did.

When you look for my eyes inside of her I hope your heart doesn’t break into a million pieces like mine did when I was forced to move on

What is dating?

So sadly we grew up and continue to grow in a generation where we no longer date. we do casual hook ups, met ups, “Netflix and Chill”. let’s be honest.. what the hell is that?

It scares me to think that the morals that once were held by our parents and grandparents all went down the drain. Not saying every guy is only looking for a nights fun instead of a girl who’s everything he’s looking for in his future wife, but it no longer seems that way.

I’m 20, and since i was old enough to date I’ve only ever had 2 relationships. Yes i might have had a thing with a guy that could have led to being in a relationship once again.. but those “guys” weren’t looking for something serious, all they wanted was to get me into bed then discard me like last night’s dinner.

When did being “Friends with benefits” become the new way of starting relationships? I wish i could have been raised in the times when relationships meant more than just a title. The time when a boy would have to ask her parents to be able to take her out, when he would walk up yo her door to pick her up, not like now when all we seem to get is “Im outside”.

I would hate to see how worse dating will get, it honestly scares me to think that my future daughter will feel like she’s super special only when a guy makes her his #WCW. I see the young teen kids i take care of at church, to see how many of them already talk about how many girls they’ve hooked up with or even how many of them they’ve messed around with but nothing serious like dating.

How sad and disgusting, we’re the generation that has made all this popular, we got rid of all those things that make being in a relationship or married special. We made it so easy for feelings to be ignored because we’ve become so lustfull.

Walk a mile in my shoes

As a girl being told ” It’s not you, its me” it seems normal right? Well being a girl with anxiety you question yourself even more. Did I do something? Was there something I could have done to make him feel better? Or could I have done something to help him out with whatever was going on in his life?

Last night we had a birthday dinner at our house for my aunts younger brother, everything was fine. Our friends came over and we had a fun night all together. While cooking the dinner with my aunt the famous ” Are you ok?” question was brought up yet once again. What do you define as being okay? Is being okay defined as not having an anxiety attack? or not crying for a few days? Maybe being able to breathe without gasping for air? What is being okay?

I wish that for once instead of being asked if im okay, someone would just run up to me give me a hug and tell me that its fine to break down and cry, that eventually all my wounds will heal. Or that one day I can actually smile and mean it, instead of feeling like im forced to smile to avoid being questioned over my mental state of mind.

Maybe not dating someone is for the better, maybe this is exactly what I needed to remember that I should be paying more attention to myself rather than someone else.

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