Search

samanthavg

Category

no more hate

I hate you.. I love you..

I hate how even after months i still find myself loving every memory of you that crosses my mind. I wish my heart could just hear your name and continue to beat, i wish i could pretend that i no longer love you like i did not too long ago. Although part of my mind find itself dealing with a conflict as to if being friends with you is even a good idea, my heart keeps hoping that maybe one day things between us could get fixed.  Maybe its just this dumb silly idea that wont escape my mind from time to time, but i can’t be the one one who’s ever wondered who i’m meant to be with in the future.  As much as i wish i could say that you’re nothing more than just another guy with whom i share most of my heart warming memories with.. i would be lying to myself beyond believe.

I still think about you at nights, i still wonder if i ever cross your mind from time to time.. hoping that one day i can see your name across my phone again.. maybe by then you’re name will no longer hurt to hear, maybe then my hear will be healed.

I hate you… but i still love you Mr. Lane

Is this even worth it?

Have you ever reached a moment in life where you start to question every little aspect of your life? That point where you begging to wonder if certain choices have been worth it.

Lately I’ve come across people from the past who have given me the most ego boosting words of encouragement, yet it makes me feel a little empty on the inside of my soul. Their words began to make me wonder if i was doing these changes for all the right reasons, or if i was just doing them to gain the acceptance of society

In the last five months i know I’ve hit rock bottom in many ways, I’ve hated my body for the changes it did in the last year, i hated my myself for not being the same girl i was a two years ago. Then it hit me, life isn’t about dwelling over the part, it’s not about sitting on the floor feeling sorry for myself just because the numbers on the scale fluctuate like the numbers in the stock market.

Deciding that it was time to get off the pity wagon two months ago was the best choice i could have made since the new year started, I’ve fallen in love with my body, with my mind, and soul. Finally regaining my self confidence, falling in love with that sore feeling that you get after a hard workout. I know that this journey will be long, it will be filled with nights or mental debates about why i shouldn’t quit yet sticking to it will help me reach all my goals one step at a time

Letting go

Letting go of all the anger i have towards you is the only thing on my mind every day.

I wish i could have never met you, never said i love you daddy

i was fine without you, it was just me and my mom against the world like it had been since i was three, but then you decided you wanted to be a dad.. I mean if you can even consider been told that’s what you are? What is a dad? What’s a father? What’s a sperms donor? Anyone can say “Im a dad!” A sper donor can be any guy you just used to be able to have a baby correct? So then a father is someone who steps up to the plate and never wants to strike out in his childs life i suppose. You’ve never been my father or dad, you’ve just been a man my mother picked to form a family with, a family that sadly you destroyed with your many late nights out drinking and constant cheating.

I hope your new family makes you happy, i hope your new daughter is loved, loved like the way i wanted to be loved by you many many years ago. I hope that one day not so soon. As you find yourself in your death bed, you look back and regreat all the pain  you caused to your oldest kids. I hope my Brother and Sister can be better parents to their kids than you were to them. I hope that the day you begg me for forgiveness you take my no and walk away.

As sad and heart breaking that it is for a child to say. I honestly rather live the rest of my life away from you, away from the constant heart pain of thinking i was never good enough to be loved by you. But its ok, i never had it, ive never actually needed you. Letting go of my hate for you will set me free i know it

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑