new beginnings

A Final Goodbye

Saying goodbye to the things we don’t want to let go off in life can be one of the hardest choices we have to make, but sometimes holding on to those things or those people can be more hurful than they can be loving.

I loved the time we had together and ill forever cherish the memories that we had the opportunity to create with one another, but moving on is the best thing for us to do.  I wish you nothing but the best in life and i hope that you can find someone to love you more than i was able to give you.



Anyone who has ever wanted to loose weight, or just feel better about themselves knows that we all hit bumbs down the road in where we find slim to none motivation or there seems to be no time available to hit the gym.

Although i keep reminding myself that im still young, I also try to remember that if I start healthy habits now its easier to keep going down the road. Those small changes that we give a bigger focus to when we’re younger have a greater pay out in the long run of the years.

Being a 22 year old in todays society, theres a lot of pressure to be “Fit” or to be close enough to fit the definitoin of what people think is attractive, and sadly no one will avtually fit those definitions without loosing sight of who they were before they listened to the opinions of others.  As much as im trying not to loose sight of why i started this fitness journey, i do find it hard to make myself wake up in the mornings, or drink water rather than drinks with sugar in it. Its so easy to forget that we cannot expect to loose the weight in one day when it certainly didn’t take us a day to gain them either.

Do not loose Hope, Do not hate yourself because you ate that cookie or because ypu skipped a workout, but DO remind yourself that you started this for yourself and not for society or this world

I am my own worst enemy

I’m sure i’m not the only one who can relate to the title on my blog today, but has anyone ever wondered  why we’re like that?

Why do we always bring ourselves down in the most harsh ways possible?

Why do we think we’re not good enough to deserve better?

It could be that we feel that we don’t deserve more than what we already have due to the fact that no one likes it when people think they’re better than everyone else. In my own opinion i hate to wonder of what others might think of how i am as a person. Am i mean? Do i seem like a selfish person? Have i ever inspired others to want to be a better person? or to motivate them to better their own life?

I hate you.. I love you..

I hate how even after months i still find myself loving every memory of you that crosses my mind. I wish my heart could just hear your name and continue to beat, i wish i could pretend that i no longer love you like i did not too long ago. Although part of my mind find itself dealing with a conflict as to if being friends with you is even a good idea, my heart keeps hoping that maybe one day things between us could get fixed.  Maybe its just this dumb silly idea that wont escape my mind from time to time, but i can’t be the one one who’s ever wondered who i’m meant to be with in the future.  As much as i wish i could say that you’re nothing more than just another guy with whom i share most of my heart warming memories with.. i would be lying to myself beyond believe.

I still think about you at nights, i still wonder if i ever cross your mind from time to time.. hoping that one day i can see your name across my phone again.. maybe by then you’re name will no longer hurt to hear, maybe then my hear will be healed.

I hate you… but i still love you Mr. Lane

Is this even worth it?

Have you ever reached a moment in life where you start to question every little aspect of your life? That point where you begging to wonder if certain choices have been worth it.

Lately I’ve come across people from the past who have given me the most ego boosting words of encouragement, yet it makes me feel a little empty on the inside of my soul. Their words began to make me wonder if i was doing these changes for all the right reasons, or if i was just doing them to gain the acceptance of society

In the last five months i know I’ve hit rock bottom in many ways, I’ve hated my body for the changes it did in the last year, i hated my myself for not being the same girl i was a two years ago. Then it hit me, life isn’t about dwelling over the part, it’s not about sitting on the floor feeling sorry for myself just because the numbers on the scale fluctuate like the numbers in the stock market.

Deciding that it was time to get off the pity wagon two months ago was the best choice i could have made since the new year started, I’ve fallen in love with my body, with my mind, and soul. Finally regaining my self confidence, falling in love with that sore feeling that you get after a hard workout. I know that this journey will be long, it will be filled with nights or mental debates about why i shouldn’t quit yet sticking to it will help me reach all my goals one step at a time

Fresh start

I’m sure we’ve all eventually been there, you know that moment in life in wich you seem to be pushed into new things in life.

No matter how much control we try to have over how things play out we will never have that full control.

I wish Icould say i didn’t see this coming sooner or later, just wishing things would have been laid out for me differently.

At times i look out the window while i’m driving arpund with my boyfriend and i can’t help but wonder how long will my happiness last, how long before something starts to slip put or place. But it’s a big relieve to see who has your back when things seem to go south.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability but with the temptaion he will also provide the way of escape that you may be able to endure it.

No matter what ball life can throw at you, just remember its all happening for a reason.

Letting go

Letting go of all the anger i have towards you is the only thing on my mind every day.

I wish i could have never met you, never said i love you daddy

i was fine without you, it was just me and my mom against the world like it had been since i was three, but then you decided you wanted to be a dad.. I mean if you can even consider been told that’s what you are? What is a dad? What’s a father? What’s a sperms donor? Anyone can say “Im a dad!” A sper donor can be any guy you just used to be able to have a baby correct? So then a father is someone who steps up to the plate and never wants to strike out in his childs life i suppose. You’ve never been my father or dad, you’ve just been a man my mother picked to form a family with, a family that sadly you destroyed with your many late nights out drinking and constant cheating.

I hope your new family makes you happy, i hope your new daughter is loved, loved like the way i wanted to be loved by you many many years ago. I hope that one day not so soon. As you find yourself in your death bed, you look back and regreat all the pain  you caused to your oldest kids. I hope my Brother and Sister can be better parents to their kids than you were to them. I hope that the day you begg me for forgiveness you take my no and walk away.

As sad and heart breaking that it is for a child to say. I honestly rather live the rest of my life away from you, away from the constant heart pain of thinking i was never good enough to be loved by you. But its ok, i never had it, ive never actually needed you. Letting go of my hate for you will set me free i know it

A tragic new world

We live in a new world where all we care about is on people’s appearance. 

We’ve become so shallow as humanbeings that all we care about is how “Hot” that person is. 

When did having abs, a nice firm ass, and a great pair of boobs becomes the new definition of beautiful? 
What if I feel beautiful when I have my hair up in a ponytail, no makeup, fresh out of the gym? 

Since when has society become the main judge of what makes someone beautiful? 

Since I graduated high school and broke up my 3 year long relationship I became horrified with what I saw in the mirror.. Why? Because I was raised on a culture where we talk about those who don’t fit our definition of pretty or beautiful, where my mom told me “I’ve never once been to a fifteen party for a fat girl” I felt nasty and gross about being me. For the next year I worked so hard to drop the extra weight I gained.  

 It’s been extremely hard and difficult to keep pushing. But I don’t push myself because I want some guy to tell me “wow you’re hot lets fuck”  doing it so that if a guy ever has the balls to tell me such thing I can politely tell him no. Why should I give you the time of the day now, when you never gave it to me.. We judge the cover without actually reading the book, and that’s something we all need to fix as the next generation grows more and more. 

Walk a mile in my shoes

As a girl being told ” It’s not you, its me” it seems normal right? Well being a girl with anxiety you question yourself even more. Did I do something? Was there something I could have done to make him feel better? Or could I have done something to help him out with whatever was going on in his life?

Last night we had a birthday dinner at our house for my aunts younger brother, everything was fine. Our friends came over and we had a fun night all together. While cooking the dinner with my aunt the famous ” Are you ok?” question was brought up yet once again. What do you define as being okay? Is being okay defined as not having an anxiety attack? or not crying for a few days? Maybe being able to breathe without gasping for air? What is being okay?

I wish that for once instead of being asked if im okay, someone would just run up to me give me a hug and tell me that its fine to break down and cry, that eventually all my wounds will heal. Or that one day I can actually smile and mean it, instead of feeling like im forced to smile to avoid being questioned over my mental state of mind.

Maybe not dating someone is for the better, maybe this is exactly what I needed to remember that I should be paying more attention to myself rather than someone else.

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