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samanthavg

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giving love another try

A little foolish

Maybe I’m foolish for still feeling my heart sink a little when I see old pictures of us. I know it’s been months and I’ve finally moved on and let go of our failed fairytale, but I still find it hard to go and delete all those pictures off my social media.

This new guy is amazing and I know even you’d think he’s a great guy, but in certain aspects he will never be you, he will never know what it’s like to hold me while telling me his body is slowly shutting down. He will never push me away because his past will never disappear.

You were wonderful and I’ll always have a small place for you in my heart, but I cannot have you in my future.

So yes maybe I am foolish for feeling sad over pictures, but my heart is finally mended and able to love again.

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A silent suffering

Here’s a thing that people who don’t suffer from anxiety don’t understand, no matter how hard we try we can’t always help it.

We didn’t ask to have triggers that go off at any given moment.

Although I’ve been good with controlling my triggers, my fear of thunderstorms will never be easy, and being in a city that’s being destroyed by a hurricane is an absolute nightmare.

yet this guy has managed to help me stay calm. To check up on me every few hours. To set an alarm every hour every time I take a nap to make sure my anxiety stays low.

Thank you for being such a wonderful boyfriend! You mean the most to me ❤️

Baby steps into the world

So last night after what seems like forever i had a date once again. He’s a super sweet guy.

Our date went a lot better than i could have expected. Everything seemed to be flowing smoothly between us, catching up on life after high school, college, majors, friends, you know life over all since we last talked.

Ever since things ended with my last boyfriend in March ive been scared to go on dates. Something about giving someone the power to destroy me once again seems super crucial now. Cheating on somoene who is giving you all their trust, just for it to be broken in the most heart breaking way is horrible. Cheating is never a mistake, its not something that can be easily forgotten or gotten over in a matter of seconds. For those who have been chated on they pain always remains with you. Onto your next relationship, although we never want to be that scared person who has trouble trusting again, until we have been shown time after timet that not everyone in this world is that shallow. We will have a hard time beign able to have a full trust with someone new.

Then theres the whole anxiety thing, will he look at me differently after he finds out? Will he still think im cute after he sees first hand how horrible my anxiety attacks can be? These constant fears fill my mind with a thousand questions. The same questions that slowly start to produce my anxiety attacks.

Biggets questions i ask myself every day, am i ready to care for someone again? but more than anything am i ready to accept that someone can actually care for me like i do for them?

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