anxiety dissorders

A silent suffering

Here’s a thing that people who don’t suffer from anxiety don’t understand, no matter how hard we try we can’t always help it.

We didn’t ask to have triggers that go off at any given moment.

Although I’ve been good with controlling my triggers, my fear of thunderstorms will never be easy, and being in a city that’s being destroyed by a hurricane is an absolute nightmare.

yet this guy has managed to help me stay calm. To check up on me every few hours. To set an alarm every hour every time I take a nap to make sure my anxiety stays low.

Thank you for being such a wonderful boyfriend! You mean the most to me ❤️


Barely there

It’s only Monday afternoon and yet  i already find myself wanting to stay hidden under my bedroom covers.  Just the thinking about what workouts ill be doing tonight makes me want to hide in my closet and to somehow find a magical door that takes me into a whole new dimension.  I feel like my mind is batelling a million deamons all at once, my soul feels heave and gray.

I find myself looking into the bathroom mirror and practicing how to smile enought to avoid being asked if im ok? Hmm that seems to be the million dollar question of the day, are you ok samantha? or are you just putting a mask on once again because you find yourself in a gray mood.  I want to be happy i really do, but just the thought of being happy for even one second makes me feel sick and discusted.

A possible new world?

What is anxiety?

To some its just this term that people use as an excuse to freak out over their emotions or something. Truth is.. it’s not, it’s way more than that. Anxiety is a disease, a mind killing disease. Learning how to regain control of my own emotions is something i never pictured having to do. Never doing it for the reasons i have to now.

Understanding why some days felt harder than others makes sense now. Makes sense as to why my body starts to tense up, while i start to gasp for every ounce of air my lung can obtain. No more nights of questioning myself over why i’m freaking out the way i am.

Having to speak up, and tell my family what’s been going on is not something i ever expected having to do. I feel like telling them i need help dealing with my own thoughts make me seem weak to them. Just weak over all.

The biggest fear doesn’t come from having to tell them as much as what everyone will think of me. Will they think I’m crazy?  Weak maybe? Will they no longer actually see me as a person, but as someone who they need to be careful with bevause she might break at any moment? Will they only see me with pitty? It’s these same questions that cause me and many other people to have anxiety attacks.

It would be amazing to be able to live in a world where we don’t judge people because of their differences, but reather praise them to make them feel more loved and cared for.

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