anxiety attacks

A silent suffering

Here’s a thing that people who don’t suffer from anxiety don’t understand, no matter how hard we try we can’t always help it.

We didn’t ask to have triggers that go off at any given moment.

Although I’ve been good with controlling my triggers, my fear of thunderstorms will never be easy, and being in a city that’s being destroyed by a hurricane is an absolute nightmare.

yet this guy has managed to help me stay calm. To check up on me every few hours. To set an alarm every hour every time I take a nap to make sure my anxiety stays low.

Thank you for being such a wonderful boyfriend! You mean the most to me ❤️


Barely there

It’s only Monday afternoon and yet  i already find myself wanting to stay hidden under my bedroom covers.  Just the thinking about what workouts ill be doing tonight makes me want to hide in my closet and to somehow find a magical door that takes me into a whole new dimension.  I feel like my mind is batelling a million deamons all at once, my soul feels heave and gray.

I find myself looking into the bathroom mirror and practicing how to smile enought to avoid being asked if im ok? Hmm that seems to be the million dollar question of the day, are you ok samantha? or are you just putting a mask on once again because you find yourself in a gray mood.  I want to be happy i really do, but just the thought of being happy for even one second makes me feel sick and discusted.

Walk a mile in my shoes

As a girl being told ” It’s not you, its me” it seems normal right? Well being a girl with anxiety you question yourself even more. Did I do something? Was there something I could have done to make him feel better? Or could I have done something to help him out with whatever was going on in his life?

Last night we had a birthday dinner at our house for my aunts younger brother, everything was fine. Our friends came over and we had a fun night all together. While cooking the dinner with my aunt the famous ” Are you ok?” question was brought up yet once again. What do you define as being okay? Is being okay defined as not having an anxiety attack? or not crying for a few days? Maybe being able to breathe without gasping for air? What is being okay?

I wish that for once instead of being asked if im okay, someone would just run up to me give me a hug and tell me that its fine to break down and cry, that eventually all my wounds will heal. Or that one day I can actually smile and mean it, instead of feeling like im forced to smile to avoid being questioned over my mental state of mind.

Maybe not dating someone is for the better, maybe this is exactly what I needed to remember that I should be paying more attention to myself rather than someone else.

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