July 2015

Letting go

Letting go of all the anger i have towards you is the only thing on my mind every day.

I wish i could have never met you, never said i love you daddy

i was fine without you, it was just me and my mom against the world like it had been since i was three, but then you decided you wanted to be a dad.. I mean if you can even consider been told that’s what you are? What is a dad? What’s a father? What’s a sperms donor? Anyone can say “Im a dad!” A sper donor can be any guy you just used to be able to have a baby correct? So then a father is someone who steps up to the plate and never wants to strike out in his childs life i suppose. You’ve never been my father or dad, you’ve just been a man my mother picked to form a family with, a family that sadly you destroyed with your many late nights out drinking and constant cheating.

I hope your new family makes you happy, i hope your new daughter is loved, loved like the way i wanted to be loved by you many many years ago. I hope that one day not so soon. As you find yourself in your death bed, you look back and regreat all the pain  you caused to your oldest kids. I hope my Brother and Sister can be better parents to their kids than you were to them. I hope that the day you begg me for forgiveness you take my no and walk away.

As sad and heart breaking that it is for a child to say. I honestly rather live the rest of my life away from you, away from the constant heart pain of thinking i was never good enough to be loved by you. But its ok, i never had it, ive never actually needed you. Letting go of my hate for you will set me free i know it


A tragic new world

We live in a new world where all we care about is on people’s appearance. 

We’ve become so shallow as humanbeings that all we care about is how “Hot” that person is. 

When did having abs, a nice firm ass, and a great pair of boobs becomes the new definition of beautiful? 
What if I feel beautiful when I have my hair up in a ponytail, no makeup, fresh out of the gym? 

Since when has society become the main judge of what makes someone beautiful? 

Since I graduated high school and broke up my 3 year long relationship I became horrified with what I saw in the mirror.. Why? Because I was raised on a culture where we talk about those who don’t fit our definition of pretty or beautiful, where my mom told me “I’ve never once been to a fifteen party for a fat girl” I felt nasty and gross about being me. For the next year I worked so hard to drop the extra weight I gained.  

 It’s been extremely hard and difficult to keep pushing. But I don’t push myself because I want some guy to tell me “wow you’re hot lets fuck”  doing it so that if a guy ever has the balls to tell me such thing I can politely tell him no. Why should I give you the time of the day now, when you never gave it to me.. We judge the cover without actually reading the book, and that’s something we all need to fix as the next generation grows more and more. 

Walk a mile in my shoes

As a girl being told ” It’s not you, its me” it seems normal right? Well being a girl with anxiety you question yourself even more. Did I do something? Was there something I could have done to make him feel better? Or could I have done something to help him out with whatever was going on in his life?

Last night we had a birthday dinner at our house for my aunts younger brother, everything was fine. Our friends came over and we had a fun night all together. While cooking the dinner with my aunt the famous ” Are you ok?” question was brought up yet once again. What do you define as being okay? Is being okay defined as not having an anxiety attack? or not crying for a few days? Maybe being able to breathe without gasping for air? What is being okay?

I wish that for once instead of being asked if im okay, someone would just run up to me give me a hug and tell me that its fine to break down and cry, that eventually all my wounds will heal. Or that one day I can actually smile and mean it, instead of feeling like im forced to smile to avoid being questioned over my mental state of mind.

Maybe not dating someone is for the better, maybe this is exactly what I needed to remember that I should be paying more attention to myself rather than someone else.

Baby steps into the world

So last night after what seems like forever i had a date once again. He’s a super sweet guy.

Our date went a lot better than i could have expected. Everything seemed to be flowing smoothly between us, catching up on life after high school, college, majors, friends, you know life over all since we last talked.

Ever since things ended with my last boyfriend in March ive been scared to go on dates. Something about giving someone the power to destroy me once again seems super crucial now. Cheating on somoene who is giving you all their trust, just for it to be broken in the most heart breaking way is horrible. Cheating is never a mistake, its not something that can be easily forgotten or gotten over in a matter of seconds. For those who have been chated on they pain always remains with you. Onto your next relationship, although we never want to be that scared person who has trouble trusting again, until we have been shown time after timet that not everyone in this world is that shallow. We will have a hard time beign able to have a full trust with someone new.

Then theres the whole anxiety thing, will he look at me differently after he finds out? Will he still think im cute after he sees first hand how horrible my anxiety attacks can be? These constant fears fill my mind with a thousand questions. The same questions that slowly start to produce my anxiety attacks.

Biggets questions i ask myself every day, am i ready to care for someone again? but more than anything am i ready to accept that someone can actually care for me like i do for them?

A possible new world?

What is anxiety?

To some its just this term that people use as an excuse to freak out over their emotions or something. Truth is.. it’s not, it’s way more than that. Anxiety is a disease, a mind killing disease. Learning how to regain control of my own emotions is something i never pictured having to do. Never doing it for the reasons i have to now.

Understanding why some days felt harder than others makes sense now. Makes sense as to why my body starts to tense up, while i start to gasp for every ounce of air my lung can obtain. No more nights of questioning myself over why i’m freaking out the way i am.

Having to speak up, and tell my family what’s been going on is not something i ever expected having to do. I feel like telling them i need help dealing with my own thoughts make me seem weak to them. Just weak over all.

The biggest fear doesn’t come from having to tell them as much as what everyone will think of me. Will they think I’m crazy?  Weak maybe? Will they no longer actually see me as a person, but as someone who they need to be careful with bevause she might break at any moment? Will they only see me with pitty? It’s these same questions that cause me and many other people to have anxiety attacks.

It would be amazing to be able to live in a world where we don’t judge people because of their differences, but reather praise them to make them feel more loved and cared for.

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